I suppose people make videos and put them up on youtube for various reasons.  Here are two where I am not sure of the reasons, but I do like to laugh at the result.  One is of some kid “singing” along with a song and staring into the camera.  You can tell he is reading the lyrics and he is still managing to mess up the words…plus he is whispering.   It’s a good thing you had that rehearsal before you decided to record yourself buddy.  Because this performance is epic and worthy of being filmed!  The other video is actually the audio of some super dorks jerking each other off as we see a still photo of a girl in a bikini with horns on her head fake wings are her back.  Ah, World of Warcraft…making people more socially awkward one day at a time.  Still, if you listen really carefully at the end you can hear someone whisper “look at that ass” in quite easily the creepiest way possible.  One day, you will be able to see the faces that belong to these voices.  It will happen when they knock on your door to tell you that they are the sex offender who just moved into your neighborhood.

just something to do when you are bored…

Are you interested in a meal?

All men who enter will die!

While dining at one of my favorite local Chinese restaurants, I noticed something very peculiar on the door to the woman’s rest room.  Not only was there a sign labeling the bathroom “Women,” but there was an extra sign taped to the door saying “For Women Only! No Men Please Thank You!”

Very peculiar thinks The Captain.  What prompted this extra sign to be placed upon the bathroom door?

One might think “Well, it’s a Chinese restaurant…maybe they don’t know the language?”  Good guess, but the new sign is also in English, plus the original sign has a PICTURE OF A WOMAN in addition to the word WOMEN.

I WANT TO OPEN THIS UP FOR DISCUSSION…ANY IDEAS?

EMAIL THE CAPTAIN AT THECAPTAINEXPLAINS @ GMAIL [dot] COM

While we are talking about bathrooms…the captain has been asked to explain something.  This question comes from David T. in Boston Massachusetts.

“Explain why anyone would take a doody at work.  Also explain why there is always a newspaper in the men’s room at an office.“

Well, I will explain the second part first.  The newspaper is there because people like to read while the defecate…that is simple.  It is left in the bathroom so it can stay there. This way, no one will take the newspaper from there office to the bathroom and then back to their office where it can sit atop their desk.

I'd Rather Be Pooping!

While it is on the desk someone might just be tempted to take that newspaper and do  Sudoku while eating lunch.  That’s gross.  But if someone were to defecate and read the newspaper that has been left in the bathroom by another…that is ok because one would presume that the new defecator would wash their hands when they finish.

As for taking a “doody” at work.  That is simple as well.  One reason could be that you gotta go and as much as you hate to use a public restroom, it is way better than crapping your pants.  Another reason is you want a break.  People, like the annoying woman in the cubicle next to you who play Celine Dion on loop and incessantly talk to you about her love life typically won’t bother you as you sit on your throne with your pants down while the door closed.  It is your time to relax.  The last reason I will suggest is that your job is too easy and you want to waste some time.

Now, the Captain can use a personal experience.  When the Captain had an office job and was routinely given assignments that a trained monkey could do, the Captain did not quickly complete the assignments and ask for more.  The Captain realized that his job was not based on commission but by hours worked.  Therefore, the Captain would take a book to work and spend a good twenty minutes to himself on the can. I would love to see an HR person try to talk to an employee for taking too long to poop…it could be awkward.

There are two drawbacks to this.  One, try not to let people see you carry your book to and from the restroom.  Everyone knows what you are doing, but no one will talk about it.  Keep this awkward moment from happening by being descreet with the libro (Spanish for book).  Two, many offices equip there bathrooms with motion sensors that control the lights.  Therefore, when you are in a stall for over ten minutes, the lights will go out.  This energy saving device makes it very difficult to read and/or wipe.  Yet, you don’t want to stand up and walk around with your pants around your ankles just to trigger the motion detector.  It could be very embarrassing if someone were to enter.  To solve this problem ball up about 5 or 6 wads of toilet paper and throw it over the wall of the bathroom stall.  Just one will not trigger the motion detector.  It seems wasteful, but it’s better than the alternatives.

Hope this answers your question David T.

Shit for Sale!

Also, before I leave, I just want to touch on Chinese signs one more time.  In China Town in Downtown LA there is a store there called “My Dung.”  I have no idea what “My Dung” means in Chinese, but I am willing to bet it does not translate the same way in English….unless they sell piles of shit.

Here is just one quick little check list to find out if you are in fact a Douche.

Attention Passengers...Douche Alert!

1.  You may be a Douche if  you routinely go into bars/restaurants and order a mojito before you even look at the menu.
2.  You are definitely a Douche if that bar/restaurant does not nor have they ever served mojitos.
3.  You get Double Douche Points if you do this while wearing a fedora.

*Note: 1-3 are acceptable if and only if you are in a tropical location.  If that is the case, go ahead wear your funny shorts, hat, and order a frozen drink with an umbrella in it.

You are also a huge Douche if you go to the airport and try to check rims and tires with your luggage!  Don’t think it happens?  Look at the picture that the captain took while at LAX.

I went to the aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach, CA.  Very nice establishment, but I was disappointed by one thing.

At the aquarium they have a large tank with large sharks inside.  While in the area that houses the tank I heard an announcement informing everyone that

EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!

the “2pm shark feeding would be underway shortly.” Suddenly, there was a buzz in the air and the crowd made their way to the tank to see these amazing creatures feed.  I personally didn’t know what to expect, but I have seen “Jaws” and “Shark Week,” so I expected some carnage.  However, I was sorely disappointed.  What the aquarium staff did was take a fillet of fish, place it at the end of pole and stick it in the sharks mouth as it swam by…BORING! The animals knew they were being fed and just sauntered over to their food and casually munched their meal.  Within five minutes I stopped watching, as did most of the crowd.

BUT IF THE CAPTAIN RAN THE AQUARIUM, the shark feed would go like this…

Over the p/a system you would hear the anouncement…”Ladies and Gentlemen, please make your way over the Shark Lagoon for our 2pm feeding.”  The crowd would gather, Rage Against the Machine would start playing, and a charasimatic mc would walk out to the top of the tank.  “Who’s ready to see some big ol’ sharks eat!” he would shout to a hyped crowd that would erupt with cheer. “Look over that way and you will see our beautiful interns Emily and Cara holding a cardboard box!”  The girls would arrive, wearing fur bikinis of course, and holding a large box by the rim of the tank.  “Why is this box shaking?” the mc would ask.  “Why?” the crowd would scream in response.  “Because it is filled with 60

Only the strong survive!

live rabbits!”  The crowd would cheer wildly as the two interns lift the box dump the terrified rabbits into the water.  Suddenly the water will start to boil with voracity and some rabbits would jump to safety, the other rabbits however would be eaten by the creatures of the deep.  The water would fill with blood and teem with carnage until the last rabbit had been devoured.  The crowd would exult as the sharks eat their fill…then the next day it would happen all over again.

Sounds good to me.

I am not going to spend much time talking about the Big East Tournament which was highlighted with the amazing 6 OT game won by my personal favorite the Syracuse Orange(men).  SU eventually ran out of gas and lost to Louisville after being up by 8 at the half.

However what I would like to focus on is the silver lining to the final game…after a no call, when two Louisville defenders should have been charged with battery when they committed a foul against Syracuse Forward Kristof Ongenaet, Dan Shulman (a reputible ESPN announcer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Shulman), said “Ongenaet just got raped from behind!”

“Ongenaet just got raped from behind!”

ONGENAET JUST GOT RAPED FROM BEHIND!

Shulman actually only said this once, I just wrote it three times for effect, but his choice of words was stellar.

First of all if you are on a national television broadcast you should not use the term “rape” when figuratively referring to anything at all.

Second, if you are on a national television broadcast you should not use the term “rape” when figuratively referring to anything at all.

Third, Shulman was lucky that he was not announcing a Lakers game and Kobe Bryant had committed the “rape” foul.

Fourth, Shulman was lucky that he was not announcing a Duke Lacross game.

Fifth, Shulman was lucky he was not referring to Mike Tyson.

Sixth…do you get my point?

and…

To make matters worse, the Louisville defenders were literally behind Ongenaet…so to be an acurate sports announcer Shulman was very specific to say that “Ongenaet just got raped from behind!” FROM BEHIND! His description added an extra detail to enhance the visual imagery of his phrase.  Now the viewers could produce an even sharper visual interpretation of the Oz like scene of Kristof Ongenaet getting raped by two Louisville basketball players.

AMAZING!

and for good measure…here is a video of Kristof Ongenaet getting messed up earlier in that game.  Please be aware of the sound the man filming his own tv makes when Ongenaet falls.

Just saw Nico Vega perform a set for the late night show “Last Call With Carson Daly.”  It will air Friday night on NBC…technically early Saturday morning, but for all intents and purposes, Friday night.  Their set was great, it sounded amazing and the energy was high.  This is a band that I have seen many times and they always put on a good show…I hope that their presence translates to TV…it should.

Cheese

I do have to tell you the best part about the performance was that it was not at all what I expected.  I thought I would sit through a Carson Daly taping, and have to watch his monologue and interviews all the while trying to stay awake for the musical finale.  However, the stage was outdoors, I didn’t even enter the studio, and the band played 3 songs.  It will be determined later which one will air, but Carson Daly was nowhere to be seen.

[A side note: Before Nico Vega performed, Chris Cornell (Sound Garden, Audioslave) played four songs which I did not see.  Remaining from that show and standing next to me was a woman that may have been the biggest Chris Cornell enthusiasts ever.  (Based on the previous statement: Do I really need to explain that she was exceptionally odd?)  I should let you know that I, the captain, have a very honest face and people tend to tell me things whether I ask them to do so or not.  So, for this reason the woman decided to tell me a story about the time she saw Audioslave and Chris Cornell came on stage with out a shirt. "He hardly ever takes his shirt off," the woman said emphatically. "I was so excited." Then she gave me a crooked smile and proceeded to tell me about how she could see down the crack of his ass and could almost spot his junk down the front of his pants, but "his damn guitar was in the way."

All the while, I had to be polite and listen to her, because when you are packed in a crowd, you can't make a fast getaway.  Who knew if this woman had a knife with her amongst her pounds and pounds of Chris Cornell Memorabilia?  The captain was not willing to take that chance.]

Honestly I felt a little bit like a dork saying that I actually chose to go see a taping of “Last Call With Carson Daly,” possibly the worst late night host that Jimmy Fallon is trying desperately not to become.  Yet, if Carson wasn’t there, does the taping of “Last Call With Carson Daly” that I went to actually count?  I am going to say no just so that I can save face for my readers, but mainly for myself.

As for Jimmy Fallon, I DVRed the first episode to witness “television history,” yet I was unable to make it to the first interview.  I was turned off by the fact that he actually had a segment about licking something and getting $10.  There were 3 contestants and they all licked some random bullshit…a lawnmower, a photo copier, and a fish bowl.  This is the first episode!!!! Don’t you have paid team of talented writers that can come up with a better idea? A sixth grade basketball team could probably come up with something better.  It was almost mildly entertaining for the first one, but by the time the second contestant licked their item, my minimal interest had waned.  How long can someone watch Jimmy Fallon poll the audience about where someone should lick something?

The Roots

“Should he lick here…or OVER HERE!?!”  Oh the drama!  The only saving grace for that show is the fact that it has The Roots as its’ house band.   The Roots are an exceptionally great live band and whatever bet they lost to end up on this show must have been worth it.  I will tune into the show in about a week or so and if it’s any better maybe I will watch…I actually had to struggle through the monologue.  Seriously, Carson Daly has a better opening monologue and Jimmy started as a stand up!  What happened there?  He was so shifty during his jokes that I had to take a dramamine just to keep down my lunch.  Why did Conan need to be replaced?

As for Conan, he will be missed.  I was not a consistent watcher of Conan O’Brien’s show, but he was entertaining.  If I was up, and “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” was on…it was what I was watching.  It was as show, where I stayed up to watch an interview with some B-list reality star that I hadn’t even heard about rather than going to sleep.  That was a show that made me laugh. I will miss that show.  I hope to see Conan on TV sometime soon.

Well, enough ramblings.  Here’s a video showcasing the reason I actually started this entry.

Captain what’s the deal with couples and their public display of affection while at the gym?

Please Behave

Well, I am glad that you asked because at my gym I seem to being noticing this more and more often.  It is one thing come to the gym holding hands and then leave it alone at that, but it is completely different to share a passionate kiss after completing 20 minutes on the treadmill.  Save the sweaty embraces for the privacy of your own home.  Nobody wants to see that and if they do…they probably will watch it on the internet.

To build upon this, I seem to notice that people often think that the monthly fee they pay at the gym entitles them to behave in ways that a so far beyond socially acceptable they teeter on the line of taboo.  Here are a few types of people that should realize their private behavior should remain private…

The Mirror Hog. You can spot this type of person while they are posing in front of the mirror to check themselves out.  Often they will pull the bottom of their shirt up to check their abs or they will be looking at their triceps.  I once spotted someone eat an entire protein bar while listening headphones and staring at themselves. But the behavior in the mirror does not stop there.  They can also be spotted checking out the consistency of their skin and tend to pop pimples between sets…not in the bathroom mirror…the mirror that lines the walls of the weight room.  Also, if you do this please clean your pus off of the glass.

Naked man..or woman. Typically elderly, but definitely shameless.  Tends to find menial activities to do while in the locker room (ie: program the ring-tone on their cellular phone), thus prolonging their naked time.

Please don't flex and take a picture of yourself with your i-phone.

The truly bizarre. There was a man in my gym who would blow dry his testicles after working out.  He would put one leg up on a counter and point a hair dryer directly at his balls…for about 5 or 6 minutes or however time it took to dry out his yeast infection…I don’t know!  It got so bad that gym actually removed the blow dryers.  I did notice however, that they just put them back.  I dread what the future holds.

I suppose the gym is a bastion for bizarre behavior…I guess people just feel comfortable there.  When you are crammed in close together while at a heightened physical state I  will assume that personal space guidelines are swept under the mat.  Normally, one would not choose to empty an entire can of axe body spray over their sweat soaked clothes and face the day.  Yet at the local Y, you may see this happen.  Under normal circumstances, two kids visiting from Poland would not tell you that Armenians are ruining the American economy because they keep buying Mercedes that they can’t afford. Still, in a crammed locker room this has happened.  Lastly, you wouldn’t expect someone to sing along to top 40 music while defecating in public restroom, but when that bathroom is placed in the back of a locker room this might just happen.

So, back to the original question. Based on some of the other things that go on in the gym, a little PDA is annoying but tolerable.  Just remember that a person’s sense of how to behave in a public place will fly out the window once they swipe their membership card and put on a track suit.  Please try to make a difference and keep an eye on yourself and how you behave while at the gym.  Don’t do something there that woud get you kicked out of restaurant or fired from your job.  Just work out and leave.  Also, please keep your cell phone conversation to a minimum and hushed. No one wants to hear you break up with your boyfriend while on the stair master.

a quick note to the Buffalo Bills.

You are incredibly stupid…you will find that out when you have to cut TO and lose a ton of money that you don’t have.  Then when TO goes to the press and

Buffalo sure is a cold place for hell.

demolishes the psyche of your promising young quaterback Trent Edwards…he will then procede to do that to the kinda promising young back up QB, JP Lossman.

But you must know this…TO has done it time and time again.

Just remember you did it to yourself.

…and no one can hear you scream when you are stuck in upstate new york.