While on a crowded elevator inside Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas NV the Captain noticed something very intriguing.

Some dude was standing there with one of  his t-shirt sleeves rolled up to show off the fresh ink on his upper arm.  Cool!  Tattoos can be pretty sweet, the only problem was that this tattoo read “Bone Collector,” and was written in a blue and red font that could easily be called ‘Lightning Bolt.”

Three possible reasons that this man chose this tattoo are: A. This man’s vocation requires him to gather the hard connective tissue forming the substance of the skeleton of most vertebrates.  B. This man is a huge fan of the Denzel Washington and Angelina Jolie movie that came out in 1999? or  C. He just some super gay guy that got drunk and wanted to show the pride he has in his collection of the proverbial bone possessed by the human male?

If you guessed C…you are correct!

The Captain and his friend also chose the option C, and kept stealing glances at the tattoo and back to eachother while both thinking to ourselves…”is this for real? Does that dude really have a fresh tattoo on his arm that reads ‘Bone Collector’!?!?!?” Suddenly, our question was answered when the The Bone Collector himself failed to show any elevator courtesy and shouted to his friends, in an accent that could only be described as San Franciscan, “You fuckin’ bitches, I can’t believe you let me get the gayest tattoo ever…It fucking says ‘Bone Collector’ on my arm!”  It was at this instant that the people in the tightly packed space united in a chorus of delightful laughter.  Apparently, the Captain and his buddy were not the only ones silently judging this man and  commenting on his choice of the decoration on his deltoid.  I guess the crowd agreed…The only way that this particular tattoo could be any gayer is if it were on the small of his back.

In the lobby level of the Mandalay Bay Hotel there is a tattoo parlor.  You guessed it! A terrible idea.

A gayer tattoo

How many “Bone Collector” mistakes are permanently inscribed on somebody per year? Per month? Per day?  Vegas is a place where drugs and alcohol reign supreme and wise decisions are left by wayside.  Um…anyone wanna get wasted then married?  At least a wedding can be annulled, that is of course if getting married in Vegas is not the plot point that is driving a terrible movie, e.g. “What Happens in Vegas” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1033643/. Having a tattoo parlor in in a high traffic area of inebriated morons is as about as good of an idea of having a twinkie store at a diabetes clinic…people just end up hurting themselves.

Later that day, after our run in with The Bone Collector, we went into that tattoo parlor and asked their policy on late night Tattoos.  They basically said that they were open all night and whenever someone decided to get a tattoo they could have one, as long as they signed a waiver.  When we asked about the bone collector tattoo, they remembered him vividly.  “Oh yes, he came in last night…he was so nice!  He wanted a tattoo that said “bone collector.”  We didn’t know what it was but it sounded fun.  He sat down, chose the font and the colors and everything.  It looked great.”

Um…yeah…great.

I have said before that I want The Cavs to win their playoff series against The Magic.  Yet here is one more reason.

The Orlando fans…one in particular.

We are all pretty aware that the state of Florida is filled with freaks and weirdos, (http://abcnews.go.com/US/Story?id=6041544&page=2) and sure enough a lot of them have come out to the Orlando Magic home games.  One in particular left an impression on me.  So much so, that while I was watching game 6 of the Celtics v. Magic series, I saw this man and said, out loud, “What the hell was that!?!?!”  I rewound my DVR and paused it on this man’s image and I took a picture with my camera phone.  Take a look…it’s pretty strange.

Your eyes are not playing tricks on you…this man who is most likely in his fifties or older, is dressed in his business casual polo shirt and has dyed (or most likely used the non-permanent aerosol spray to color) the top of his hair blue.  Not only that, he is pointing to a player on the opposing team while sticking out his tongue grabbing his throat as if to imply that the player will choke.

I would have loved to seen this man dye the top of his head.

Ok…let’s examine this.  First this man is sitting in a section very close to the court during a playoff game.  We will assume that these tickets cost quite a bit of money.  Next, let’s factor in the man’s age, race, and clothing.  Ok, now we can figure that he is probably an affluent member of the Orlando community.  Now, with all that assumed, we can also say that this is NO WAY FOR THAT MAN TO BEHAVE!

Painting your head and or chest are things reserved for drunken college students and Raiders fans.  Why?  Because they are expected to be assholes.  Orlando Magic fans are expected to be hicks or retired adults, and many of the hicks cannot afford to enter the arena.  Sure there are exceptions to every rule, but really a middle aged man in a golf shirt?  Really?  Did he just play 18 holes and head to the stadium, only to reach under the back seat of his Lexus and pull out a can of blue dye hair spray?  Come on man you are sitting in the front row…behave!

I understand that Orlando does not have the celebrity presence in their arena that a team like the Lakers would have…but dude, take a hint from them…they don’t do stuff like that.  You will never see Jack Nicholson color his hair, grab his throat, stick out his toungue, and point.  You shouldn’t either.

Of course I could be wrong.  This idiot might just be a drunken hick that snuck down into these seats.  If that’s true my whole argument would be thrown out the window.  Nevertheless this would mean the staff at the TD Waterhouse Centre in Orlando Florida are actually the idiots.  How did they not notice the anomaly with BLUE HAIR sneak down to the front row?

Some dude…that I assume is super cool, ranked the top 5 worst movies made from video games.  The worst movie and ranked number one on the list is ‘Super Mario Brothers.’  The whole thing is worth watching, but if you don’t want to, please fast forward to 3 minutes in and just watch the end.  You will be glad you did, and you will get the hear this man’s impassioned tirade on why “who ever made ['Super Mario Brothers'] deserves to be shot, brought back to life, and electrocuted.”  Those are strong words from the gaming community.

Isiah Thomas has just been hired as the head basketball coach at FIU.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/news/story?id=4067233

Not only would I refuse to hire Isiah to coach a high school team, I would not hire him to coach a traveling team of 12 year old girls.

Isiah must know that this is a bad idea.

He did win AS A PLAYER at Indiana and as a Detroit Piston…1oo years ago!  However, let’s run down his resume.  He overdosed on sleeping pills and was taken to court for sexually harassing a female front office employee for the New York Knicks.  Other than that, he completely ruined a fantastic Indiana Pacers team and took the Knicks from very bad to the worst ever.  During his tenure as coach for the Pacers, he had an extremely talented team where an Irish Setter puppy could have guided them to the playoffs.  Isiah did this, then lost 3 times in a row during the first round.  I remember distinctly how he was out-coached by Jim O’Brien and the Boston Celtics…Isiah clearly had a more talented team, but he had his head up his ass and lost the series.

Isiah SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS as a coach.  There should be a restraining order issued against him keeping him at least 400 feet from the sidelines of a basketball court.

I am forgetting something, aren’t I?  Oh, yeah…he destroyed the CBA!  Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about this anymore?  Isiah decided to buy the Continental Basketball Association…the CBA.  It was pretty close to what the NBDL is now.  However, when Isiah got his filthy little hands on it, the league crashed, fell over, went broke, died, disappeared, faltered, exploded, shit it’s pants, failed, etc.  Are you getting the point?  HE DESTROYED A LEAGUE…not even one team…a 17 team league!  He implemented a ton of rule changes, cut players salaries, immediately tried to sell the league, and when he got an offer to be an NBA Coach and he couldn’t sell…he left the CBA in the hands of a blind trust.  That means, no one was running the thing and it could not succeed.  Good work, remind me to adopt a family from an impoverished nation.  I will take them back to the US and change their way of life completely, but when no one wants to take them after a while, I will give up and move in with a rich American family in a big house.  That old family, they will fend for themselves in this new country without my guidance or financial assistance.  Who cares if they even know English!

Isiah Thomas, may do well at FIU.  I think that is highly unlikely, but it may happen. Nevertheless, the guy is a jerk, and if I were Michael Jordan, I wouldn’t have allowed him to play on the original Dream Team either…oh yeah, that happened.

The Dickhead is behind you...

This weekend the Captain was fortunate enough to see his beloved Boston Red Sox play the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles.  However, it was unfortunate to have to be in the same stadium as a certain Angels fan.

Let me preface this by saying that this fan could be at any stadium rooting for any team…however, he was at this one showing off his Anaheim pride.  Ah, Anaheim pride…Disneyland, freeways, warm weather…not much else.  A city that lies close to Los Angeles and is on the way to San Diego.  In fact, when I think of Anaheim, the first thing I think of is the classic scene from “Swingers” with Vince Vaughn (Trent), Jon Favreau (Mike), and Patrick Van Horn (Sue) that illustrates my point.

Mike: What the fuck are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?
Sue: Hey man, you’re not from here, alright. You don’t know how it is. I grew up in L.A.

Anaheim

Trent: Anaheim.
Sue: Whatever, man. It’s different out here. It’s not like New York, Mikey.

You can see the clip here http://www.killerclips.com/util/view-greeting.php?mqg=30896

There is so much Anaheim pride that a couple years ago, the team officially changed their name from the “Anaheim Angels” to the “Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles.”  There is so much Anaheim pride, that when the Red Sox come into town for a regular season game the Angeles are able to fill half the stadium with fans.  That’s about 20,000 people!  Too bad for them that the Red Sox also fill the stadium with about 20,000 people, and the stadium is 3,000 miles from Boston.

Anyway, to get back to the specific fan.  While watching, what turned out to be an excellent game, I heard someone shouting.  “Fuck you Boston!”  “Go the fuck home Boston” and “Faggotts, you Boston faggotts!”  He was close and loud…so I assumed that he would be drunk, sloppy, and fun to watch.  So, I turned around and saw that he was drunk and sloppy, but not fun to watch.

Why?

Because he was with his wife and BABY!

Yes, it is true, this drunken asshole was enjoying himself with his wife in the seat next to him and his baby in a stroller next to her. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  This kid was clearly under a year old and most likely didn’t have the ability to talk, but his father,  and probably role model, was drunk off his ass screaming profanities and homophobic epithets.

What a nice afternoon activity for the Easter Weekend!

The Captain does not have a problem with a little friendly banter between fans and a little bit of profanity is fine too.  That is freedom of speech and without that liberty, The Captain could not explain for this blog.  Yet, when cheering for a game turns nasty and cruel for no other reason than to be a dick, that is wrong.

...not sweet...not sweet at all

When you are a parent, you should know better.  If you go to a game to get drunk, rowdy, and violent, don’t bring your baby.  If you do want to bring your kid, perfhaps you should lay off of the sauce and teach the little one how to keep score.  Wouldn’t that be a better memory than having to remember the eventual confrontation this guy will get into?  I can imagine an older version of this baby telling his friends, “When I was six years old my dad took me to Angels’ Stadium.  We were kicking the shit out of the Kansas City Royals, and my father yelled ‘Go the fuck back to Kansas City, you Kansas City Faggots!’ Oh man, it was hilarious!  He called them ‘Kansas City Faggotts!’  It was sweet.  Suddenly, a gigantic muscular man with a spiked leather dog collar, no shirt, and KC Royals hat stood up, walked toward my Dad, and ripped out his throat!  It was not sweet.  My dad died…not sweet.”

Seriously, leave the anger and the violence at home.  Sporting events are games, played by over-paid men.  Please remember that games should be fun and injuries should be kept on the field, not in the stands.

a quick note to the Buffalo Bills.

You are incredibly stupid…you will find that out when you have to cut TO and lose a ton of money that you don’t have.  Then when TO goes to the press and

Buffalo sure is a cold place for hell.

demolishes the psyche of your promising young quaterback Trent Edwards…he will then procede to do that to the kinda promising young back up QB, JP Lossman.

But you must know this…TO has done it time and time again.

Just remember you did it to yourself.

…and no one can hear you scream when you are stuck in upstate new york.

With T.O. now OUT in Dallas.

I only have one Question…is he the real life Kenny Powers from East Bound and Down?

Kenny Working out in his Garage

Seriously…he’s gotta be a huge dick and I would not be surprised if 5 years from now he was convincing his sister-in-law to sell his memorabilia dirt cheap on ebay.

Seriously, the dude got kicked out of Dallas, a bastion for talented retards in the NFL for the last 10 plus years.  You have to really piss some people off to get a pink slip from Jerry Jones.  In addition…it cost the Cowboys $9 million just to fire him.  Not only that but when he was on the Eagles, he got kicked off of the team, in mid season, simply for being an asshole.  How big of an asshole?…well he was the team’s best player, and not just by a little bit…

Now T.O. just has to grow a mullet because…he’s fucking out!

PS…East Bound and Down is highly entertaing and right about now, I am using any excuse to use the phrase “You’re Fucking Out! I’m Fucking In!” T.O. just provided me that opportunity.

And just for kicks…here is an old video of TO’s agent Drew Rosenhaus “answering” some questions about his very talented client that no one wants around.