All men who enter will die!

While dining at one of my favorite local Chinese restaurants, I noticed something very peculiar on the door to the woman’s rest room.  Not only was there a sign labeling the bathroom “Women,” but there was an extra sign taped to the door saying “For Women Only! No Men Please Thank You!”

Very peculiar thinks The Captain.  What prompted this extra sign to be placed upon the bathroom door?

One might think “Well, it’s a Chinese restaurant…maybe they don’t know the language?”  Good guess, but the new sign is also in English, plus the original sign has a PICTURE OF A WOMAN in addition to the word WOMEN.

I WANT TO OPEN THIS UP FOR DISCUSSION…ANY IDEAS?

EMAIL THE CAPTAIN AT THECAPTAINEXPLAINS @ GMAIL [dot] COM

While we are talking about bathrooms…the captain has been asked to explain something.  This question comes from David T. in Boston Massachusetts.

“Explain why anyone would take a doody at work.  Also explain why there is always a newspaper in the men’s room at an office.“

Well, I will explain the second part first.  The newspaper is there because people like to read while the defecate…that is simple.  It is left in the bathroom so it can stay there. This way, no one will take the newspaper from there office to the bathroom and then back to their office where it can sit atop their desk.

I'd Rather Be Pooping!

While it is on the desk someone might just be tempted to take that newspaper and do  Sudoku while eating lunch.  That’s gross.  But if someone were to defecate and read the newspaper that has been left in the bathroom by another…that is ok because one would presume that the new defecator would wash their hands when they finish.

As for taking a “doody” at work.  That is simple as well.  One reason could be that you gotta go and as much as you hate to use a public restroom, it is way better than crapping your pants.  Another reason is you want a break.  People, like the annoying woman in the cubicle next to you who play Celine Dion on loop and incessantly talk to you about her love life typically won’t bother you as you sit on your throne with your pants down while the door closed.  It is your time to relax.  The last reason I will suggest is that your job is too easy and you want to waste some time.

Now, the Captain can use a personal experience.  When the Captain had an office job and was routinely given assignments that a trained monkey could do, the Captain did not quickly complete the assignments and ask for more.  The Captain realized that his job was not based on commission but by hours worked.  Therefore, the Captain would take a book to work and spend a good twenty minutes to himself on the can. I would love to see an HR person try to talk to an employee for taking too long to poop…it could be awkward.

There are two drawbacks to this.  One, try not to let people see you carry your book to and from the restroom.  Everyone knows what you are doing, but no one will talk about it.  Keep this awkward moment from happening by being descreet with the libro (Spanish for book).  Two, many offices equip there bathrooms with motion sensors that control the lights.  Therefore, when you are in a stall for over ten minutes, the lights will go out.  This energy saving device makes it very difficult to read and/or wipe.  Yet, you don’t want to stand up and walk around with your pants around your ankles just to trigger the motion detector.  It could be very embarrassing if someone were to enter.  To solve this problem ball up about 5 or 6 wads of toilet paper and throw it over the wall of the bathroom stall.  Just one will not trigger the motion detector.  It seems wasteful, but it’s better than the alternatives.

Hope this answers your question David T.

Shit for Sale!

Also, before I leave, I just want to touch on Chinese signs one more time.  In China Town in Downtown LA there is a store there called “My Dung.”  I have no idea what “My Dung” means in Chinese, but I am willing to bet it does not translate the same way in English….unless they sell piles of shit.