Seconds before the dawn of 2010, I saw a man ask his server for change for $100.  He wanted all $1 bills so he could “make it rain” when the new year hit.  The server got him $20 in 1’s, so he could make it sprinkle.  The man then told me that he could write if off as a business expense.  Hmmm….how does one write off “making it rain” for the IRS?  What is this guy…a weatherman?

Forecast calls for rain.

While on a crowded elevator inside Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas NV the Captain noticed something very intriguing.

Some dude was standing there with one of  his t-shirt sleeves rolled up to show off the fresh ink on his upper arm.  Cool!  Tattoos can be pretty sweet, the only problem was that this tattoo read “Bone Collector,” and was written in a blue and red font that could easily be called ‘Lightning Bolt.”

Three possible reasons that this man chose this tattoo are: A. This man’s vocation requires him to gather the hard connective tissue forming the substance of the skeleton of most vertebrates.  B. This man is a huge fan of the Denzel Washington and Angelina Jolie movie that came out in 1999? or  C. He just some super gay guy that got drunk and wanted to show the pride he has in his collection of the proverbial bone possessed by the human male?

If you guessed C…you are correct!

The Captain and his friend also chose the option C, and kept stealing glances at the tattoo and back to eachother while both thinking to ourselves…”is this for real? Does that dude really have a fresh tattoo on his arm that reads ‘Bone Collector’!?!?!?” Suddenly, our question was answered when the The Bone Collector himself failed to show any elevator courtesy and shouted to his friends, in an accent that could only be described as San Franciscan, “You fuckin’ bitches, I can’t believe you let me get the gayest tattoo ever…It fucking says ‘Bone Collector’ on my arm!”  It was at this instant that the people in the tightly packed space united in a chorus of delightful laughter.  Apparently, the Captain and his buddy were not the only ones silently judging this man and  commenting on his choice of the decoration on his deltoid.  I guess the crowd agreed…The only way that this particular tattoo could be any gayer is if it were on the small of his back.

In the lobby level of the Mandalay Bay Hotel there is a tattoo parlor.  You guessed it! A terrible idea.

A gayer tattoo

How many “Bone Collector” mistakes are permanently inscribed on somebody per year? Per month? Per day?  Vegas is a place where drugs and alcohol reign supreme and wise decisions are left by wayside.  Um…anyone wanna get wasted then married?  At least a wedding can be annulled, that is of course if getting married in Vegas is not the plot point that is driving a terrible movie, e.g. “What Happens in Vegas” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1033643/. Having a tattoo parlor in in a high traffic area of inebriated morons is as about as good of an idea of having a twinkie store at a diabetes clinic…people just end up hurting themselves.

Later that day, after our run in with The Bone Collector, we went into that tattoo parlor and asked their policy on late night Tattoos.  They basically said that they were open all night and whenever someone decided to get a tattoo they could have one, as long as they signed a waiver.  When we asked about the bone collector tattoo, they remembered him vividly.  “Oh yes, he came in last night…he was so nice!  He wanted a tattoo that said “bone collector.”  We didn’t know what it was but it sounded fun.  He sat down, chose the font and the colors and everything.  It looked great.”

Um…yeah…great.

I have said before that I want The Cavs to win their playoff series against The Magic.  Yet here is one more reason.

The Orlando fans…one in particular.

We are all pretty aware that the state of Florida is filled with freaks and weirdos, (http://abcnews.go.com/US/Story?id=6041544&page=2) and sure enough a lot of them have come out to the Orlando Magic home games.  One in particular left an impression on me.  So much so, that while I was watching game 6 of the Celtics v. Magic series, I saw this man and said, out loud, “What the hell was that!?!?!”  I rewound my DVR and paused it on this man’s image and I took a picture with my camera phone.  Take a look…it’s pretty strange.

Your eyes are not playing tricks on you…this man who is most likely in his fifties or older, is dressed in his business casual polo shirt and has dyed (or most likely used the non-permanent aerosol spray to color) the top of his hair blue.  Not only that, he is pointing to a player on the opposing team while sticking out his tongue grabbing his throat as if to imply that the player will choke.

I would have loved to seen this man dye the top of his head.

Ok…let’s examine this.  First this man is sitting in a section very close to the court during a playoff game.  We will assume that these tickets cost quite a bit of money.  Next, let’s factor in the man’s age, race, and clothing.  Ok, now we can figure that he is probably an affluent member of the Orlando community.  Now, with all that assumed, we can also say that this is NO WAY FOR THAT MAN TO BEHAVE!

Painting your head and or chest are things reserved for drunken college students and Raiders fans.  Why?  Because they are expected to be assholes.  Orlando Magic fans are expected to be hicks or retired adults, and many of the hicks cannot afford to enter the arena.  Sure there are exceptions to every rule, but really a middle aged man in a golf shirt?  Really?  Did he just play 18 holes and head to the stadium, only to reach under the back seat of his Lexus and pull out a can of blue dye hair spray?  Come on man you are sitting in the front row…behave!

I understand that Orlando does not have the celebrity presence in their arena that a team like the Lakers would have…but dude, take a hint from them…they don’t do stuff like that.  You will never see Jack Nicholson color his hair, grab his throat, stick out his toungue, and point.  You shouldn’t either.

Of course I could be wrong.  This idiot might just be a drunken hick that snuck down into these seats.  If that’s true my whole argument would be thrown out the window.  Nevertheless this would mean the staff at the TD Waterhouse Centre in Orlando Florida are actually the idiots.  How did they not notice the anomaly with BLUE HAIR sneak down to the front row?

Here is just one quick little check list to find out if you are in fact a Douche.

Attention Passengers...Douche Alert!

1.  You may be a Douche if  you routinely go into bars/restaurants and order a mojito before you even look at the menu.
2.  You are definitely a Douche if that bar/restaurant does not nor have they ever served mojitos.
3.  You get Double Douche Points if you do this while wearing a fedora.

*Note: 1-3 are acceptable if and only if you are in a tropical location.  If that is the case, go ahead wear your funny shorts, hat, and order a frozen drink with an umbrella in it.

You are also a huge Douche if you go to the airport and try to check rims and tires with your luggage!  Don’t think it happens?  Look at the picture that the captain took while at LAX.

a quick note to the Buffalo Bills.

You are incredibly stupid…you will find that out when you have to cut TO and lose a ton of money that you don’t have.  Then when TO goes to the press and

Buffalo sure is a cold place for hell.

demolishes the psyche of your promising young quaterback Trent Edwards…he will then procede to do that to the kinda promising young back up QB, JP Lossman.

But you must know this…TO has done it time and time again.

Just remember you did it to yourself.

…and no one can hear you scream when you are stuck in upstate new york.

With T.O. now OUT in Dallas.

I only have one Question…is he the real life Kenny Powers from East Bound and Down?

Kenny Working out in his Garage

Seriously…he’s gotta be a huge dick and I would not be surprised if 5 years from now he was convincing his sister-in-law to sell his memorabilia dirt cheap on ebay.

Seriously, the dude got kicked out of Dallas, a bastion for talented retards in the NFL for the last 10 plus years.  You have to really piss some people off to get a pink slip from Jerry Jones.  In addition…it cost the Cowboys $9 million just to fire him.  Not only that but when he was on the Eagles, he got kicked off of the team, in mid season, simply for being an asshole.  How big of an asshole?…well he was the team’s best player, and not just by a little bit…

Now T.O. just has to grow a mullet because…he’s fucking out!

PS…East Bound and Down is highly entertaing and right about now, I am using any excuse to use the phrase “You’re Fucking Out! I’m Fucking In!” T.O. just provided me that opportunity.

And just for kicks…here is an old video of TO’s agent Drew Rosenhaus “answering” some questions about his very talented client that no one wants around.