My mom canceled my World of Warcraft account!

sorry.

The Captain is moving…apartments…you will still be able to  find him at thecaptainexplains.com.

That is, if I can last that long.  PEOPLE ARE ODD!  Here is one tale…

The other day as I was driving around Los Angeles, I stopped, got out of my car and called the number on the ‘For Rent’ sign of a 2 bedroom house.

“Hello!” shouted a woman with a thick foreign accent.

Why would you call this number?

“Hi, I am calling about the ‘For Rent’ sign at [address]”

“Why?”

(pause)

“Because I am interested in possibly moving there.” I said a little tentatively.  Why did she think I was calling?

“What do you want to know?” She demanded.

I then told her, I was interested to find out the rental price, what sort of set up the house had, and if it was possible for me to view it.  Eventually, she told me some specifics, and also informed me that since I was outside, I could come view the house because it was open.  Yet, she wanted to stay on the line with me so that she could talk me through the viewing process.  I thought that was really strange especially since I could hardly understand her through her dialect and that’s just a queer request in general.  Nevertheless, since it was a weekend and I had free minutes, I agreed to staye on the line.

But that is just the beginning, because it got even stranger…

I could not open the wrought iron gate in front of the house.  “The gate is locked,” I said as I pulled on the iron bars.

“No it’s open” she said defensively.

I pulled again, “it’s not.”

“Are you using your hands?” she asked.

WHAT? AM I USING MY HANDS?  Seriously is that a question?  What else would I be using?  I understand that there are individuals who do not have hands but rather hooks at the ends of

Swing your boleadoras around the gate and pull.

their wrists, and if that were the case, it would be impossible for me to use my hands; but at the same time, I still wouldn’t be able to open the gate!  Furthermore, if I was using hooks instead of hands it wouldn’t even be her business to know.  Am I using my hands? No, I’m a fucking monkey and I am actually using my hands AND FEET to open the door!  Am I using my hands? No crazy foreign lady, I am not using my hands, I have swung my testicles around the wrought iron poles like boleadoras and I am shifting my hips back in an effort to yank the gate wide open!

This list could go on…but my point is…OF COURSE I WAS USING MY HANDS!

During this bizarre conversation I looked around because, unlike this woman,  I was fully aware that the gate I was standing in front of was locked.  I noticed that around the other side of the fence there was another gate.  A much smaller gate that was not easily seen from the front of the house.

“Do you mean the side gate?” I asked.

“Yes, the side gate, what gate did you think I meant?”

I didn’t answer, but I was thinking “I don’t know, maybe the big huge glorious gate in the front of the house, with balloons hanging off of it, complete with a big sign reading ‘enter.’  Not the rusty piece of shit gate hidden on the side of the house that looks like it could be a doggy door or a secret entrance for Leprechauns.”

There is no water...why is this in front of your house?

Eventually, I entered through the craptastic side gate and the woman on the phone tells me to enter the house.  I say ok, but before that, I take a mental inventory of all the shit that is lying around the entrance.  There was dog chilling out, a life-jacket on the ground, and a picnic table that looked like it came from an amusement park because it was complete with a large hard plastic umbrella that could neither move up nor down.

I entered the open house. “Whoa! Somebody lives here!” I thought immediately.  The place was filled with stuff…not stuff packed in boxes as if someone was moving out, but filled with dusty furniture and old, damp oriental rugs as if somebody were still living there and had been living there for the past 20 years. There was a musty smell in the air and plenty of figurines and knickknacks on shelves.   I saw a carved wooden owl and a ‘Wizard of Oz’ collectible plate!  Sorry, I didn’t notice more, of their amazing decor,but I was on high alert because I knew this was someplace that I should not be. I saw the movie ‘Hostel’ and this was the beginning of a similar tale that I would not want to be involved with.

“Am I in the wrong place?” I inquired.

“No, this is right house.”

“Um, somebody lives here.”

“Where is my husband?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t see him?”

(pause)

“No…?”

“He is not in living room?”

“Uhhh…no.”

“Go into bedroom and find my husband.”

Go into bedroom and find my husband.

Again WHAAAAT? Go into the bedroom and find your husband? No fucking way!  I wouldn’t go into the bedroom and find your husband even if a burning bush in the front yard told me to do so, let alone some crazy lady on the phone.  So, I left, or rather ran out of that place.  I am not going to find your husband in the bedroom of a house where I am not expected.  What if I were to disrupt your husband during his private masturbation time?  That would be awkward!  Furthermore, if some dude that I did not know were to come into my bedroom unannounced I would, with out hesitation, beat him with a baseball bat…or just shoot a warning shot into his chest.  Last thing I need is a life-threatening wound inflicted upon me by an individual dressed in his underpants because his lunatic wife told me to go into the bedroom and find him.

Needless to say, I did not go back to that home, nor will I be putting in a rental application.

Yet, one thing that I cannot stop thinking about, is that I keep calling this woman crazy.  However, she probably thinks that I am crazy!  Most likely she is telling her friends that a stupid American boy came by the house today and refused to go into the bedroom and find her  husband.  Also most likley, her friends agree with her…at least to her face.

Holy Shit!

There is a woman who has too much time on her hands and an uncomfortable love affair with a poor poodle.

This is her website.

http://www.pinkcoyote.net/creativegrooming.html

Simultaneously one of the most amazing and terrifying things I have ever seen.

Enjoy!