I went to the aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach, CA.  Very nice establishment, but I was disappointed by one thing.

At the aquarium they have a large tank with large sharks inside.  While in the area that houses the tank I heard an announcement informing everyone that

EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!

the “2pm shark feeding would be underway shortly.” Suddenly, there was a buzz in the air and the crowd made their way to the tank to see these amazing creatures feed.  I personally didn’t know what to expect, but I have seen “Jaws” and “Shark Week,” so I expected some carnage.  However, I was sorely disappointed.  What the aquarium staff did was take a fillet of fish, place it at the end of pole and stick it in the sharks mouth as it swam by…BORING! The animals knew they were being fed and just sauntered over to their food and casually munched their meal.  Within five minutes I stopped watching, as did most of the crowd.

BUT IF THE CAPTAIN RAN THE AQUARIUM, the shark feed would go like this…

Over the p/a system you would hear the anouncement…”Ladies and Gentlemen, please make your way over the Shark Lagoon for our 2pm feeding.”  The crowd would gather, Rage Against the Machine would start playing, and a charasimatic mc would walk out to the top of the tank.  “Who’s ready to see some big ol’ sharks eat!” he would shout to a hyped crowd that would erupt with cheer. “Look over that way and you will see our beautiful interns Emily and Cara holding a cardboard box!”  The girls would arrive, wearing fur bikinis of course, and holding a large box by the rim of the tank.  “Why is this box shaking?” the mc would ask.  “Why?” the crowd would scream in response.  “Because it is filled with 60

Only the strong survive!

live rabbits!”  The crowd would cheer wildly as the two interns lift the box dump the terrified rabbits into the water.  Suddenly the water will start to boil with voracity and some rabbits would jump to safety, the other rabbits however would be eaten by the creatures of the deep.  The water would fill with blood and teem with carnage until the last rabbit had been devoured.  The crowd would exult as the sharks eat their fill…then the next day it would happen all over again.

Sounds good to me.

Captain what’s the deal with couples and their public display of affection while at the gym?

Please Behave

Well, I am glad that you asked because at my gym I seem to being noticing this more and more often.  It is one thing come to the gym holding hands and then leave it alone at that, but it is completely different to share a passionate kiss after completing 20 minutes on the treadmill.  Save the sweaty embraces for the privacy of your own home.  Nobody wants to see that and if they do…they probably will watch it on the internet.

To build upon this, I seem to notice that people often think that the monthly fee they pay at the gym entitles them to behave in ways that a so far beyond socially acceptable they teeter on the line of taboo.  Here are a few types of people that should realize their private behavior should remain private…

The Mirror Hog. You can spot this type of person while they are posing in front of the mirror to check themselves out.  Often they will pull the bottom of their shirt up to check their abs or they will be looking at their triceps.  I once spotted someone eat an entire protein bar while listening headphones and staring at themselves. But the behavior in the mirror does not stop there.  They can also be spotted checking out the consistency of their skin and tend to pop pimples between sets…not in the bathroom mirror…the mirror that lines the walls of the weight room.  Also, if you do this please clean your pus off of the glass.

Naked man..or woman. Typically elderly, but definitely shameless.  Tends to find menial activities to do while in the locker room (ie: program the ring-tone on their cellular phone), thus prolonging their naked time.

Please don't flex and take a picture of yourself with your i-phone.

The truly bizarre. There was a man in my gym who would blow dry his testicles after working out.  He would put one leg up on a counter and point a hair dryer directly at his balls…for about 5 or 6 minutes or however time it took to dry out his yeast infection…I don’t know!  It got so bad that gym actually removed the blow dryers.  I did notice however, that they just put them back.  I dread what the future holds.

I suppose the gym is a bastion for bizarre behavior…I guess people just feel comfortable there.  When you are crammed in close together while at a heightened physical state I  will assume that personal space guidelines are swept under the mat.  Normally, one would not choose to empty an entire can of axe body spray over their sweat soaked clothes and face the day.  Yet at the local Y, you may see this happen.  Under normal circumstances, two kids visiting from Poland would not tell you that Armenians are ruining the American economy because they keep buying Mercedes that they can’t afford. Still, in a crammed locker room this has happened.  Lastly, you wouldn’t expect someone to sing along to top 40 music while defecating in public restroom, but when that bathroom is placed in the back of a locker room this might just happen.

So, back to the original question. Based on some of the other things that go on in the gym, a little PDA is annoying but tolerable.  Just remember that a person’s sense of how to behave in a public place will fly out the window once they swipe their membership card and put on a track suit.  Please try to make a difference and keep an eye on yourself and how you behave while at the gym.  Don’t do something there that woud get you kicked out of restaurant or fired from your job.  Just work out and leave.  Also, please keep your cell phone conversation to a minimum and hushed. No one wants to hear you break up with your boyfriend while on the stair master.

Being a captain, I get approached on the street quite often. Usually it is for directions…actually I get asked for directions many times/day. In fact while traveling abroad in Europe, in countries where I didn’t even speak the language, or had ever been to before, I would get asked how do get to certain places. But Captain, how did you know this if you didn’t speak the language? Because the people asking for directions would be holding maps and mumbling in some foreign dialect.

Anyway, I had a first time experience the other day. I was approached by two women on the street. I thought, “these two ladies are of course going to ask for directions.” But, no…instead they said “can you open this?” and handed me a large glass jar of pear halves.

I must first point out that the Captain is quite good and being random, but cannot think of too many things more random than being asked to open a glass jar of pear halves on the street.  There are of course a bundle of questions. Was this woman carrying around pear halves with her for years just waiting for a special occasion (they don’t go bad), and if so what occasion was so special?  When these women sneak food into the movie theater do they bring with them a variety of canned products, and wouldn’t this make their bag heavy? or Were these women co workers taking a break where one said to the other “Nancy, would you like to join me for a break time treat of canned fruits?

Either way, this was quite odd, but having years of experience for opening glass jars for my mother…I was up to the task and easily twisted the top off of the pears.

However, very much unlike my mother, and to my surprise one woman started screaming “Hercules! Hercules!” while the other woman soon joined her, both rejoicing and holding high their large, now open jar of pear halves. I was worried that they would shatter their prize similar to the Championship celebration of the Canadian Hockey League’s Spokane Chiefs. Watch the Spokane Chiefs Victory Celebration

But really, when it came down to it…I didn’t care that much, and I made a quick exit.  These women were loud and strange. I had done my mitzvah for the day and I hope they enjoyed their delicious pears.  One more question though…Did they have travel utensils because those things get sticky?