Seconds before the dawn of 2010, I saw a man ask his server for change for $100.  He wanted all $1 bills so he could “make it rain” when the new year hit.  The server got him $20 in 1’s, so he could make it sprinkle.  The man then told me that he could write if off as a business expense.  Hmmm….how does one write off “making it rain” for the IRS?  What is this guy…a weatherman?

Forecast calls for rain.

Who gives a shit?

First…sorry for not posting more frequently.  Second, sorry for posting this video.

Last night a friend of mine asked, “Hey, did you know that Mariah Carey remade that Foreigner song ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is?’”

“Really?” I replied, “that is a bad ass 80’s song! Did she ruin it?”

“Nope, it is exactly the same.”

Oh great…that is just what people need.  Here’s my opinion. Mariah Carey has a great voice…honestly one of the best. Yet, if an artist wants to remake a song especially one that people know, they should put their own creative stamp on it.  You might say, “but she added a choir and electronic beats.”  To that I say “shut up!  shut the hell up!”  That song is the damn same!  The best remakes are when the artist shows you “this is an old song and this is how I interpret it.”  It is not one where they say, “this is an old song and this is how I will sing it during karaoke.”  You are called a recording artist for a reason, so please, be an artist!  Shit…the Fugees had two on their album “The Score.”  Both, “No Woman, No Cry” and “Killing Me Softly” are remakes and both are great new songs.”  Or how about that fat Hawaiian guy who died, Israel Kamakawiwo’ole?  His version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” is amazing.

Why?  BECAUSE THEY MADE IT THEIR OWN SONG!

There are others, but I got shit to do.

What Mariah did with her song was manage to freak me out while watching the video.  WTF?  What’s with the green screen, cheesy graphics, and uncomfortably long shots of families that have faced an implied yet challenging situation?  Did someone actually direct this and have a creative concept in mind?

Here is the piece of shit video that she released.  I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST BLOGGED ABOUT MARIAH CAREY!  While you watch this, I am going examine just where my life went completely wrong.

http://www.regretsy.com/

While on a crowded elevator inside Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas NV the Captain noticed something very intriguing.

Some dude was standing there with one of  his t-shirt sleeves rolled up to show off the fresh ink on his upper arm.  Cool!  Tattoos can be pretty sweet, the only problem was that this tattoo read “Bone Collector,” and was written in a blue and red font that could easily be called ‘Lightning Bolt.”

Three possible reasons that this man chose this tattoo are: A. This man’s vocation requires him to gather the hard connective tissue forming the substance of the skeleton of most vertebrates.  B. This man is a huge fan of the Denzel Washington and Angelina Jolie movie that came out in 1999? or  C. He just some super gay guy that got drunk and wanted to show the pride he has in his collection of the proverbial bone possessed by the human male?

If you guessed C…you are correct!

The Captain and his friend also chose the option C, and kept stealing glances at the tattoo and back to eachother while both thinking to ourselves…”is this for real? Does that dude really have a fresh tattoo on his arm that reads ‘Bone Collector’!?!?!?” Suddenly, our question was answered when the The Bone Collector himself failed to show any elevator courtesy and shouted to his friends, in an accent that could only be described as San Franciscan, “You fuckin’ bitches, I can’t believe you let me get the gayest tattoo ever…It fucking says ‘Bone Collector’ on my arm!”  It was at this instant that the people in the tightly packed space united in a chorus of delightful laughter.  Apparently, the Captain and his buddy were not the only ones silently judging this man and  commenting on his choice of the decoration on his deltoid.  I guess the crowd agreed…The only way that this particular tattoo could be any gayer is if it were on the small of his back.

In the lobby level of the Mandalay Bay Hotel there is a tattoo parlor.  You guessed it! A terrible idea.

A gayer tattoo

How many “Bone Collector” mistakes are permanently inscribed on somebody per year? Per month? Per day?  Vegas is a place where drugs and alcohol reign supreme and wise decisions are left by wayside.  Um…anyone wanna get wasted then married?  At least a wedding can be annulled, that is of course if getting married in Vegas is not the plot point that is driving a terrible movie, e.g. “What Happens in Vegas” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1033643/. Having a tattoo parlor in in a high traffic area of inebriated morons is as about as good of an idea of having a twinkie store at a diabetes clinic…people just end up hurting themselves.

Later that day, after our run in with The Bone Collector, we went into that tattoo parlor and asked their policy on late night Tattoos.  They basically said that they were open all night and whenever someone decided to get a tattoo they could have one, as long as they signed a waiver.  When we asked about the bone collector tattoo, they remembered him vividly.  “Oh yes, he came in last night…he was so nice!  He wanted a tattoo that said “bone collector.”  We didn’t know what it was but it sounded fun.  He sat down, chose the font and the colors and everything.  It looked great.”

Um…yeah…great.

A report states that an anonymous player on the Minnesota Vikings claims that Brett Favre has caused a “schism” in the locker room. This report is false, clearly no NFL player can use the word schism in a sentence.

Recently The Captain visited a coffee shop in San Diego….here’s what went down.

On the way into the store I noticed a woman sitting outside dressed entirely in pink.  She was wearing a ratty pink sweat suit, had pink socks stuffed into her pink flip flops, and was wearing a pink visor that said “princess” in sparkling letters.  I should point out that her visor was a liar and this woman was in

Not her...but close!

no way a princess. Her head-gear could not contain the massive amount of dirty blonde curls that erupted from this woman’s scalp.  Also, she was looking less and less psychotic the more and more she was talking to the pigeons outside.

“Ok, there is a lunatic at the entrance of this building.” I said to myself, taking a mental inventory, as I entered the store.  “Be on alert when it is time to leave…nobody wants to get cut today.”

Shortly after ordering my coffee I exited the store, and this lady jumped up in front of me with a look in her eyes similar to Jack Nicholson at the end of the shining.  “TODAY IS THE DAY I AM GOING TO DIE!” I thought to myself as this pink lady started to speak in a raspy voice designated for people who are in need of an exorcism.  She held out her long ET like finger and pointed at the group of ravenous pigeons that she had been feeding.

“Help me catch this pigeon!”
“Nope.” I replied.
“There are scissors in that store over there!” She exclaimed with a blood-thirsty smile on her face.
“Definitely not!” I blurted out while making a hasty getaway.

What was this woman doing?
Help me catch this pigeon…there are scissors in that store over there…?!?!?!?

Might be one of the strangest combinations of two complete thoughts that I have heard in a while.  Did this woman want me to catch this poor bird while

Can I ask you a question?

she brutally stabbed in my hands with common office supplies?  Was the fact that there were scissors in a near by store a selling point to help me assist her in capturing this bird?  What could possibly be the reason she wanted me to catch a street bird, and hold it while she got a sharp metal object?  “I don’t really want to find out.” I determined in my head while leaving the area.

Meanwhile, during my escape, I was with a girl who asked me why I had been so dismissive of this lady.  “Did you hear what she wanted me to do?” I asked.

“Yes. She wanted you to help her catch that pigeon while she got some scissors to cut the ribbon that was tied around its legs.”

Don't feed the birds!

Ohhhh….so this lady was just being kind to an animal in need.  “I am an asshole,” I briefly thought to myself while remembering the moment.  Maybe that woman was talking to the pigeon to see if it needed help…I could go back, help her, and save the day.

Fuck that…I don’t want to touch that nasty bird in the first place!

This isn’t half bad, but it is completely ridiculous and makes me laugh.  What’s with the decor? Did these kids film this video at their Grandma’s house?  One of them looks like the Asian combination of Kanye West and Avril Lavigne.