GO SEE IT…I JUST DID…IT’S HILARIOUS…

Seconds before the dawn of 2010, I saw a man ask his server for change for $100.  He wanted all $1 bills so he could “make it rain” when the new year hit.  The server got him $20 in 1’s, so he could make it sprinkle.  The man then told me that he could write if off as a business expense.  Hmmm….how does one write off “making it rain” for the IRS?  What is this guy…a weatherman?

Forecast calls for rain.

Who gives a shit?

First…sorry for not posting more frequently.  Second, sorry for posting this video.

Last night a friend of mine asked, “Hey, did you know that Mariah Carey remade that Foreigner song ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is?’”

“Really?” I replied, “that is a bad ass 80’s song! Did she ruin it?”

“Nope, it is exactly the same.”

Oh great…that is just what people need.  Here’s my opinion. Mariah Carey has a great voice…honestly one of the best. Yet, if an artist wants to remake a song especially one that people know, they should put their own creative stamp on it.  You might say, “but she added a choir and electronic beats.”  To that I say “shut up!  shut the hell up!”  That song is the damn same!  The best remakes are when the artist shows you “this is an old song and this is how I interpret it.”  It is not one where they say, “this is an old song and this is how I will sing it during karaoke.”  You are called a recording artist for a reason, so please, be an artist!  Shit…the Fugees had two on their album “The Score.”  Both, “No Woman, No Cry” and “Killing Me Softly” are remakes and both are great new songs.”  Or how about that fat Hawaiian guy who died, Israel Kamakawiwo’ole?  His version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” is amazing.

Why?  BECAUSE THEY MADE IT THEIR OWN SONG!

There are others, but I got shit to do.

What Mariah did with her song was manage to freak me out while watching the video.  WTF?  What’s with the green screen, cheesy graphics, and uncomfortably long shots of families that have faced an implied yet challenging situation?  Did someone actually direct this and have a creative concept in mind?

Here is the piece of shit video that she released.  I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST BLOGGED ABOUT MARIAH CAREY!  While you watch this, I am going examine just where my life went completely wrong.

http://www.regretsy.com/

While on a crowded elevator inside Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas NV the Captain noticed something very intriguing.

Some dude was standing there with one of  his t-shirt sleeves rolled up to show off the fresh ink on his upper arm.  Cool!  Tattoos can be pretty sweet, the only problem was that this tattoo read “Bone Collector,” and was written in a blue and red font that could easily be called ‘Lightning Bolt.”

Three possible reasons that this man chose this tattoo are: A. This man’s vocation requires him to gather the hard connective tissue forming the substance of the skeleton of most vertebrates.  B. This man is a huge fan of the Denzel Washington and Angelina Jolie movie that came out in 1999? or  C. He just some super gay guy that got drunk and wanted to show the pride he has in his collection of the proverbial bone possessed by the human male?

If you guessed C…you are correct!

The Captain and his friend also chose the option C, and kept stealing glances at the tattoo and back to eachother while both thinking to ourselves…”is this for real? Does that dude really have a fresh tattoo on his arm that reads ‘Bone Collector’!?!?!?” Suddenly, our question was answered when the The Bone Collector himself failed to show any elevator courtesy and shouted to his friends, in an accent that could only be described as San Franciscan, “You fuckin’ bitches, I can’t believe you let me get the gayest tattoo ever…It fucking says ‘Bone Collector’ on my arm!”  It was at this instant that the people in the tightly packed space united in a chorus of delightful laughter.  Apparently, the Captain and his buddy were not the only ones silently judging this man and  commenting on his choice of the decoration on his deltoid.  I guess the crowd agreed…The only way that this particular tattoo could be any gayer is if it were on the small of his back.

In the lobby level of the Mandalay Bay Hotel there is a tattoo parlor.  You guessed it! A terrible idea.

A gayer tattoo

How many “Bone Collector” mistakes are permanently inscribed on somebody per year? Per month? Per day?  Vegas is a place where drugs and alcohol reign supreme and wise decisions are left by wayside.  Um…anyone wanna get wasted then married?  At least a wedding can be annulled, that is of course if getting married in Vegas is not the plot point that is driving a terrible movie, e.g. “What Happens in Vegas” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1033643/. Having a tattoo parlor in in a high traffic area of inebriated morons is as about as good of an idea of having a twinkie store at a diabetes clinic…people just end up hurting themselves.

Later that day, after our run in with The Bone Collector, we went into that tattoo parlor and asked their policy on late night Tattoos.  They basically said that they were open all night and whenever someone decided to get a tattoo they could have one, as long as they signed a waiver.  When we asked about the bone collector tattoo, they remembered him vividly.  “Oh yes, he came in last night…he was so nice!  He wanted a tattoo that said “bone collector.”  We didn’t know what it was but it sounded fun.  He sat down, chose the font and the colors and everything.  It looked great.”

Um…yeah…great.

A report states that an anonymous player on the Minnesota Vikings claims that Brett Favre has caused a “schism” in the locker room. This report is false, clearly no NFL player can use the word schism in a sentence.